I don't know what it is.
one time, that's all
I was thinking about it today actually. I was a sperg high school student so I didn't have much luck socially in general, after that I decided to stop wasting my time and withdraw from concepts like friendship and romance, that people were no good anyway and that I would just end up betrayed no matter how I sliced it. I spent a while like that, long enough that I didn't really understand what was happening until I was a few months into the relationship with the girl who was somehow able to break me off from that. She told me pretty much every time we were together how much she loved me and how "perfect" I was.
Then she ghosted me without a word and I was left to be confused and heartbroken, and when I went after her for either an explanation or an apology (I deserved both but either would sate me) the only thing I ever heard back was "stop stalking me." That got me messed up because the girl who initially proved me wrong about my convictions got deep enough into my head to turn around and prove them twice as right again. That's just bad luck.
Anyway, that was a while ago, and torture as it may have been, two months ago I thought I was finally over it. But lately I've been hallucinating her around, and having bad dreams, so I guess I'm not quite over it yet. It's pretty emasculating.